The Doctor & I, Part 1. by
Paul Hanley & I.
Paul explains this far better than I...Because you guys demanded it- here's the first chunk of script for THE DOCTOR & I, accompanied by the lovely artwork of Shawn Van Briesen , with colors by yours truly with an assist from the great Paul Cooke
After Shawn and I did our Nick Courtney tribute FADE AWAY, we thought it would be fun to do another story that had was just a lark- a completely bat**** crazy adventure that could never, ever be done as official Doctor Who story, but also with ideas that could never be used elsewhere for an original project. Basically, an answer to the question, "If we ever WERE going to create a total piece of fanwank, not giving a damn about what anyone else (especially the BBC) thought... what would it be?" Here's your answer. This is a story that could only exist as fanfiction- because nothing "official" could be this much fun to write. Unfortunately, I went so crazy with the concept that we could never actually complete the comic of what resulted- but at least we can give you a taste of what almost was. This is our lost story- our DARK DIMENSION. Our SHADA. So what's below is the actual script I wrote for Shawn to work from (complete with special notes and directions). I changed nothing except for one "bleeped" f-bomb.
This particular story takes place a few weeks after the adventure THE SCREAM OF THE SHALKA [link] Folks not familiar with Richard E. Grant's Doctor can learn about him here: [link] Or just watch SHALKA for free and 100% legally on the BBC website: [link]
Enjoy! And here's some Shalka Doc opening music, to get you in the mood: [link] Or from another perspective: [link]
THE DOCTOR & I
EPISODE 1, PART 1
Skinny panel. The TARDIS spins through the time vortex. It looks very reminiscent of the Scream of the Shalka title sequence- which is appropriate as this doubles as our "credits panel". A singing voice emanates from somewhere inside...
TARDIS SFX: VWORP! VWORRRRRRP!
VOICE (OC, singing): ♫ I'LL BUILD A STAIRWAY TO PARADISE , WITH A NEW STEP EVERY DAAAAAAAY! ♪
We're in the dimly-lit console room of Scream of the Shalka, but keep things framed so that that's not too obvious right away. In the distance, a figure sings as he toils away under the console, making modifications. In the foreground, a woman's silhouette (we don't know yet, but it's ALISON CHENEY) walks out of the darkness, heading for the console. The black-gloved hand of a seated figure (spoiler alert- it's revealed to be THE MASTER in the next panel) rises gently into frame and motions after her with one finger raised. Alison doesn't look back.
VOICE (singing off-camera): ♫ I'M GONNA GET THERE AT ANY PRICE; STAND ASIDE, I'M ON MY WAAAAAAY! ♪
THE MASTER: HE'S SINGING AGAIN.
ALISON: I KINDA NOTICED.
THE MASTER: BUT HE HAS A KARAOKE MACHINE NOW. HE'S INSTALLED IT IN THE CONSOLE. IT'S PERVADING THE SHIP'S P.A....
ALISON: YEAH, I KNOW.
VOICE (singing off-camera): ♫ I'VE GOT THE BLUUUUUES, AND UP ABOVE IT'S SO FAIR! SHOOOOOOOES, GO ON AND CARRY ME THERE! ♪
Reverse angle, medium shot of Alison walking ahead, with the Master staying seated in the background (it's a handsome mahogany/ leather chair with a well-maintained grandfather clock nearby). The Master's eyes peer over the top of the novel he's reading, watching Alison go. His face stays half-hidden behind the book (H.G. Wells' THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME). Alison shows no interest in what he says- she's on a mission.
THE MASTER: THIS IS DELIBERATE, YOU REALIZE. HE'S TRAPPED ME HERE AND HE'S TRYING TO DRIVE ME MAD. WITH SHOWTUNES. THIS IS HIS WAY OF PUNISHING ME.
VOICE (singing off-camera): ♫ I'LL BUILD A STAIRWAY TO PARADISE , WITH A NEW STEP EVERY DAAAAAAAY! ♪
THE MASTER: MS. CHENEY, COULD I BEG A FAVOR OF YOU?
THE MASTER: DESTROY ME.
ALISON: I'LL GET BACK TO YOU, MATE.
Alison steps up to the red-carpeted console platform and looks down at THE SHALKA DOCTOR's body sticking out from beneath the Jules Verne-esque brass console. He's a bit more "dressed down" than usual- having ditched the jacket and cape, leaving him in white shirtsleeves with a black waistcoat. He's extremely pale, tall, and lanky- almost to the point of betraying his non-terrestrial origins. At the moment, he's wearing black gloves to work- and they're just as sharp and "natty" as everything else about him. He's very much the opposite of the grungy, hodge-podged Ninth Doctor played by Chris Eccleston. The TARDIS tool kit is splayed out next to him- neutron ram, moog drone clamp, all that 80s TARDIS Technical Manual kind of stuff...
SHALKA DOCTOR (singing): ♫ DAH-DAH DAH DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH, DA DA-DAH DA DA DA DAAAAAAAH! ♪
ALISON: OI- WILL YOU SHUT IT?!! THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG!
SHALKA DOCTOR: WRONG? WRONG?!!
The Doctor emerges from under the console, looking a bit annoyed. He's wearing a big pair of steampunkish, bug-eyed welding goggles. He wags the sonic screwdriver at her as he talks. He's strikingly strange-looking, with his delicate, sharp features. He's definitely the most alien-looking of the Doctor's nine lives.
SHALKA DOCTOR: ALISON, IT'S GEORGE GERSHWIN, AND I HAVE PERFECT PITCH.
SHALKA DOCTOR: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE "WRONG"?!
SHALKA DOCTOR: I CAN DO SOME "BRITPOP" IF THAT'S MORE TO YOUR TASTES. "CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA", PERHAPS?
ALISON: LOOK, I'M NO EXPERT, BUT...
Alison points a thumb over her shoulder, to the area off to the right of the console platform, where a TARDIS much like the Doctor's sits quietly. It's a bit boxier, with the door handle on the wrong side and a red lamp on top.
SPECIAL NOTE: It is, in fact, the TARDIS design from the scrapped 80s Nelvana cartoon- see the reference pics I send ya.
ALISON: THAT LOOK RIGHT TO YOU?
CU of the Doctor, rising to his feet and pulling the welding goggles down around his neck. He's gone even paler than usual.
SHALKA DOCTOR: OH.
SHALKA DOCTOR: THIS IS VERY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD.
The Doctor turns and points at the Master accusingly. The Master rises to his feet and takes a few steps toward the new Police Box. He claps his hands gleefully.
SHALKA DOCTOR: YOU!
SHALKA DOCTOR: YOU SABOTAGED THE THERMO-COUPLINGS!
THE MASTER: NO, I DIDN'T! BUT IT'S MOST AMUSING!
The Doctor steps off the console platform, cautiously approaching the new TARDIS. He loses the gloves and goggles and slips his neatly pressed black jacket on, as though he's expecting company. The Master makes a very feminine gesture, melodramatically putting his hand to his head in a classic "damsel in distress" gesture right out of a silent movie. Alison stands in the back holding the Magnetic Clamp from the TARDIS tool kit- ready to clobber whatever comes out of the box...
THE MASTER: PERHAPS IT'S A GRAVITY BUBBLE.
SHALKA DOCTOR: SHUT UP.
THE MASTER: OR A RECURSIVE SPACE LOOP. OH NO, WE'LL BE TRAPPED HERE FOREVER.
SHALKA DOCTOR: SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP.
THE MASTER: NOT THAT IT'D BE MUCH CHANGE FOR-
Same frame. The doors of this strange new TARDIS open OUTWARD with a tiny creak. The Doctor freezes in his tracks, stunned by what he sees. The Master's face shows just the faintest hint of dull surprise. Poor Alison just looks confused.
DOOR SFX: CREEEEEEEAK!
THE MASTER: AH.
Standing in the other TARDIS' door is none other than Paul McGann's 8th Doctor. But it's the short-haired, leather jacketed version so many fans hate (yes, he even has the "man-purse"). And he looks much the worse for wear- he's been through Hell to get here.
SPECIAL NOTE: from here on out, "The Doctor" refers to the Shalka Doctor only, as he's our main character. Any other Doctors who pop up will be clearly designated so things don't get confusing. So unless I put a number or other name in front of it, "the Doctor" refers to the Shalka Doctor.
8th DOCTOR: HUH....
8th DOCTOR: HELLO.
The 8th Doctor stumbles out and collapses on the floor. Alison and the Doctor run over to him.
8th DOCTOR: I'M THE- *
ALISON: OH MY GOD.
The Doctor crouches by his side, cradling his head. He takes a close look at his face. Alison leans over the Doctor's shoulder. The 8th Doctor mumbles incoherently, eyes closed...
8th DOCTOR: LUCIE... ALEX...
8th DOCTOR: OH, SUSAN, I'M SO SORRY.
ALISON: WHAT'S HE ON ABOUT?
SHALKA DOCTOR: DELIRIOUS, POOR CHAP. HE NEEDS WINE. TWO GLASSES OF MASSANDRA 1775, ALISON!
Alison runs off at the Doctor's behest, but turns back as he belays the order. The Doctor stays focused on #8. There's a touch of nostalgia in his face, remembering the days when he was him...
ALISON: WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO-?
SHALKA DOCTOR: IN THE WINE CELLAR, OF COURSE! TWO DOORS DOWN FROM THE ZEPPELIN HANGAR. MIND THE LEOPARD!
SHALKA DOCTOR: NO ON SECOND THOUGHT... TEA. YOU WERE ALWAYS ONE FOR TEA, WEREN'T YOU, OLD MAN?
The Doctor grabs each side of #8's face and tries to touch his forehead to his, like the Master did to the 10th Doctor in The End of Time Part 1.
SHALKA DOCTOR: I THINK YOU BETTER BRING ME UP TO SPEED.
SHALKA DOCTOR: CONTACT.
#8's eyes open. He shoves the Doctor away with violent, delirious energy. We've never seen #8 so unbalanced- except maybe back during his "WHO AM I?!!" scream in the TV Movie. He scampers off in the general direction of the console platform. The Doctor looks on, confused and a touch offended...
8th DOCTOR: GET AWAY FROM ME!
SHALKA DOCTOR: HONESTLY-
SHALKA DOCTOR: A "NO TELEPATHY TODAY, THANK YOU" WOULD HAVE SUFFICED.
The 8th Doctor runs madly toward the console, waving his arms about. The Master stands by the console, one hand moving toward the main door controls while his other gestures innocently toward the doors themselves.
8th DOCTOR: THE DOORS! DEADLOCK THE DOORS!
THE MASTER: WHAT- THESE DOORS?
8th DOCTOR: OF COURSE THOSE DOORS!!!
THE MASTER: THERE'S SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY GHASTLY ON THE OTHER SIDE, YES?
8th DOCTOR: YES!!!
CU of the Master's fingers, as they flick the door switch to "OPEN".
THE MASTER: GOOD.
THE MASTER: BECAUSE I THINK I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF YOUR COMPANY, DOCTORS.
8th DOCTOR: NO!!!
POV from outside the main doors, just starting to open. The Master turns from the console and starts to walk toward them. He throws his arms out in a grandiose welcoming gesture and smiles.
THE MASTER: HELLO! HELLO, HORRIBLE THING OUTSIDE! I DO HOPE YOU'VE COME TO KILL US ALL!
THE MASTER: ALLOW ME INTRODUCE MYSELF, I'M USUALLY REFERED TO AS-
Same angle. The doors are now fully open. The Master stops dead in his tracks. His face drops, a bit disappointed.
THE MASTER: HMPH.
THE MASTER: WELL, I BELIEVE WE'VE ALREADY MET ACTUALLY.
The Master BLOWS THE F*** UP- his android innards blowing apart as a massive charge of green electricity knocks him into the air, back toward the console.
The smoke clears as a strange robot-like creature rolls through the doorway. A thing with a revolving, tentacled eyestalk and two massive, strange arms. It's a DALEK, but not like one we've ever seen... unless we know the Daleks from the Japanese Target novelizations. The eye turns right at us- seeking out its next victim. It's like a giant magnifying glass, with a distorted, all-too-human eye twitching underneath. Inexplicably, it's dialogue includes Japanese subtitles...
DALEK: EX-TER-MI-NATE !
TO BE CONTINUED...